The dreaded day is coming. Another anniversary. They say time heals, and it does, but never enough. It still hurts. When I let my heart feel all the way it scares me. It scares me to feel the abyss of the pain, because I'm afraid I won't be able to climb back out. I tell myself all the cliches: He's in a better place, he's no longer in pain, he is in the Lord's arms. All true. I believe it from the bottom of my heart. But sometimes none of that matters. All I feel is the pain of the absence. So many things we didn't get to do. Sometimes I don't want to be strong and optimistic. Sometimes I just want to have a pitty party and be sad because I'm human, because I'm his mom and because he is not here. Period. He mattered. He will always matter. I will always wish he was here even though I'm glad that he is with The Lord and he is no longer in pain. My happy moments present and future will always have a moment of silence attached. That is just how it is. So for today, for this moment, I feel. It's raw. It's painful. The tears sting as they cleanse. But at the end of it all I am still grateful for it. I'm still glad that I lived it because I had the chance to enjoy the good. The good that came with the bad. The lessons I learned along the way. The moments that I never imagined I could ever survive. The courage that was born from love. The fights I fought with steadfast determination and perseverance because they weren't about me. As I share my story, my trials, my lessons I remind myself again that this is not about me. My story is for those that are living my story. That these words may help someone in the abyss is enough for me to write them. Life is not the fairy tale we dream of. The plans we make are never the way way the script plays out. No one gets to slide through life unscathed by major blows to our prefect plan. But one thing I know for sure, if you allow Him, God will hold your hand through the storms. I know that I would not be able to continue living, continue breathing, if it weren't for God giving me the strength. It's Gods strength in me that continues to carry me especially during the moments that I can only think of the sadness in me. The moments that are hard to breathe in because your heart is so full of hurt. Those are the moments that the bible refers to when it says that "The Lord is close to the broken hearted". He must literally be breathing life into my lungs for me. I'm grateful because as much as I want to see my boy again, I also want to be here with my other two boys. I still have a life to live with them and with my husband who has been walking alongside me. Life is so full, so rich with pain, happiness and everything in between. You can't have only the good in life, you also get the bad. We live in a broken world where people get to make their own choices. Sometimes those bad choices affect good people. Children get hurt, marriages are destroyed, teens get lost in drugs and the list goes on. People can choose to believe that their is a God or not. All choices we make and consequences we suffer. Choose wisely, because the consequences are always inevitable.
My superhero
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